Gonna Put the World Away for a Minute

Growing up, my family spent many vacations boating in New England with another family. The nine of us, along with our dogs, would pile into their 27' Sea Ray. Sleeping arrangements were like a game of Tetris trying to figure out how to fit us all into every nook and cranny. I usually slept with my mom on the table that converted to a bed. We would always get funny looks piling out of the boat into the dingy to make our way into town. I'm sure the multimillion dollar yachts that frequent the area thought we were like the clown car at the circus. We always had a blast though, and those trips are some of the best memories that I have from growing up.

Now that we're all adults, my family still likes seeing how many people we can get into a small area. We've expanded quite a bit, so finding spaces to accommodate eight adults and eight kids is not easy. Thankfully, my brother's Mastiff is not invited on our vacations, however. Back when we had far fewer kids we tried Maine, but even then it was too difficult to constantly load everyone into all our cars and walk around quaint little towns. They suddenly seemed a lot less quaint when we arrived. The last couple years we wised up and just headed to NC where we could spend our days alternating between the beach and the pool. We stay in a condo that's smaller than our house, but somehow accommodates all sixteen of us, and a couple of my cousins' families stay across the street. The first couple days are always a bit chaotic, as we adjust to the cacophony of so many children excited to see each other. I love it though.  The older kids dote on the little kids and the little kids adore the big kids. It's so fun to see them all together. During the day we swim, build sand castles, and skimboard, and at night we go crabbing and occasionally karaoke. Really, you can't get much better than that.

This year, the kids and I drove back home with my parents. Sixteen hours in the backseat of a mid-sized vehicle with my two hulking toddler car-seated children is something I don't want to do again anytime soon. I've done it before though and I'm sure I'll do it again. It's kind of like childbirth; you forget about the pains just enough to try it again. Now we have a week and a half of more time to hang out, sit by the pool, and just enjoy each other's company. The only thing missing is Matt.

Jax's Birthday Blog

My dear, sweet Jaxie boy,
A year ago, I wondered what life would be like adding a baby boy to our lives. Today, I can't imagine life without you. Before we had your sister, I wondered what it would be like to love my child. I had always heard that there was nothing like the love a mother has for her kids. I learned just how true that was when I had Emma. When I found out I was pregnant with you, there was a part of me that wondered if it was possible to love another child as much as I could love her. Well, when I had you I learned that the Author of love created us in such an incredible way. Our capacity to love only increases the more we love. You see, we weren't created to only give out a certain amount of love and then not have anymore to give. We were actually created in a way that the more we love, the more we are able to love. I discovered because I had already loved your sister so much, when you were born my love for you was already so much deeper than I even thought possible. As our family continues to grow, I will never love you or your sister any less, but in fact, I'll have even more love to give! I thank God for teaching me more about love through you this year.
You are such a sweet, fun, good-natured little boy. I've loved watching you grow this year. At first you seemed like a quiet, laid back child, but I think you were just observing life first to figure out how to best tackle it. You laugh and smile so easily and giggle if we just look at you. You're quite ticklish and silly and enjoy spinning around and dancing in my arms. You love to give hugs and sloppy, wet kisses. You adore your daddy and get so excited when he comes home from work. Emma gives you a run for your money, but you're getting to the stage where you can almost hold your own with her. You both love to laugh together and steal each other's toys. Most mornings you wake up before her and I have to work to keep you from walking down the hall to bang on her door. Oh- and yes, you walk like a drunken pro. You took off at about eleven months and love to hang with the big kids. Your favorite toys to play with are balls, toys that make noise, and stuffed animals that you can hug. I love listening to you talk. I can't wait until I can actually understand what you're saying because you obviously have a lot to say. You babble almost as much as your sister talks, but the only words we can decipher are mama, dada, and wassat (what's that). Other than that you just do a lot of pointing and grunting.
I can't wait to see how much you're going to grow and change in this coming year. You bring so much joy to our family, and we love you more than you can even imagine. We thank God for the privilege of being your parents.

Love you so much,
Mommy

Happy Birthday Emma!

My dear sweet Emma,
I can hardly believe that you're 3! today. Lately when I look at you, I can't help but stare a little because I can hardly believe what a big girl you are. You look so different than you did a year ago and act so different too. You're such a bright, beautiful, playful girl who is a natural leader. I thank God all the time for allowing me the privilege of being your mommy.
I love all the talk time we have together. You have so many questions and love learning new things. You also are quick to tell me all your three year old observations on life. I especially love your interpretations of new things that you learn about God. You can simplify things that adults find very complex. You say so many funny things that I wish I had been better at writing down- I need to work on doing that this year. You love to pretend and make up different scenarios. Lately you've been a waitress that uses anything that resembles a notepad and pen and ask, "Whatdaya want today?" I'm not sure who this brash waitress is that you are modeling yourself after, but it always makes me laugh. You also love to switch roles with me. You love acting like a mommy, and I think you'll make a great one many, MANY years form now.
You became a big sister this year and love your little brother so much. You always want to know where he is, and your face lights up in a big smile as soon as you see him. You can be a little too rough with him, but you can also make him laugh and smile like no one else. I love when I look back at the two of you in the car and you're holding hands. You also love having someone that you think you can boss around. I often have to remind you that you're not in charge of him. :) You also love giving him lots of hugs and kisses.
You love being around people. You're most definitely an extravert who can instantly be comfortable with kids that you just met. I admire that so much about you, and hope that we can continue to cultivate your love for people and easy going attitude towards them. There is one exception to this, however, and that is your best buddy, Dallas. You love playing with him so much, yet at the same time you guys drive each other absolutely crazy. It'll be interesting to see how your friendship develops as you get older. You are also confident while talking with adults. You're not the type to hide behind my leg when someone speaks to you, which is a great quality for such a young little lady.
Your family adores you. You have both sets of grandparents wrapped around your little finger along with aunts, uncles, and cousins that love spending time with you. I love seeing you with both sides of our family, and hope that you continue to be so close with them.
You, my dear, are so precious to me and I love you with all my heart. I can't wait to see all the new, exciting changes come in the life of my little three year old. Your daddy and I are so very proud of you. No matter how big you get, you will always be our baby girl.

Love you so much,
Mommy
.

The Middle

I am not
who i was
5 years
5 months
5 minutes ago
time does not stand still
nor do i
i move forward
sometimes back
but i'm always
in the middle.
this brings me comfort
and reminds me to be graceful
as you are in the middle as well
you are not
who you will be
5 years
5 months
5 minutes from now.
we can walk in hope
that every step
forward or back
conforms us closer
to the image of
the One who IS
The Beginning, the Middle, and the End.

Debt to Love

I never thought it would happen, but I've been brainwashed by Dave Ramsey. I resisted for a long time. We have friends that have been under the Ramsey spell, but I promised myself I would never cave. Sure, he had some good ideas, but who wants to actually implement them? Debt-free? Whatever. No one is debt free and why does it matter anyway? My generation knows little about sacrifice or delayed gratification because we have plastic that we allow to bring us both security and happiness. We're slaves, but well-fed ones. And really, I'm better off than most people my age. Thank goodness I married a nerd.

I've spent years as a slave to stuff without even noticing my chains. I've chosen to be a slave to marketers who tell me that their products will in some way make my life better, instead of going to the One whom I know makes life rich and meaningful. I've settled for instant gratification and laziness. It's not even that we had exuberant amounts of debt; we just don't have freedom. Matt was always worried about money and I was always guilty about spending it. On top of that, I've had this thought of being blessed to bless others swirling around in my head for months now. Except when it comes to money I'm pretty selfish, which is an ugly thing to be. I certainly don't want to be an ugly woman. I don't want money to be about accumulating stuff, I truly want it to be about how I can use it to love God and others. That thought is slowly making it from my head to my heart.

I started tracking where my money went on a monthly basis and it honestly makes me sick. We (mostly me) spend thousands of dollars every year on straight up ish. Seriously, I don't know what I've been thinking. I mean, there's weeks where I've spent $30 a week on smoothies. That's a direct result of not using my brain. When I swipe my plastic card, it doesn't register with my little brain that I'm actually spending money. It only registers when I look at our credit card statement and see just how much money has trickled down my throat. I never thought I would become a cash carrier because I get points on my credit card. I wasn't going to allow Dave Ramsey to take my points away from me! Cash can't compete with that. Except statistically people spend an average of 12-18% more when they pay with a card instead of cash. Hmmm... I could probably call myself a statistic. Dangit. I now pay with cash and feel the burn of the six dollar smoothie. It's not like I can't ever have my overpriced drinks either. We just stick to a budget now. We plan for where our money goes. We tell it where to go. It's been hard work figuring all this out but is actually incredibly rewarding and freeing. In a couple months we'll be completely debt free. Then the only debt we will have will be the debt to love others. To bless as we've been blessed. 

We're planning ahead and are on the same page. We're both actually involved in the process, which also means we both have a say in where our money goes. We're having healthy discussions about money which essentially lead to a better marriage. Winning! It's a lifestyle choice that takes discipline but feels oh so good. Sort of. I mean, I know it'll bring peace that spending foolishly won't bring, and who doesn't want just a little peace?

Cultivation

I've always been a big reader. As a young girl I remember spending long summer days by the pool with my best friend, reading books. Occasionally we would take a break from the hot sun by acting out some silly story that we made up, which always ended with all the characters falling into the pool. I think that officially qualifies me as a big dork, which is probably why I didn't continue this past elementary school. By the time high school came along I didn't do a whole lot of reading beyond what was required for school. I was much more interested in having a social life. When I decided to become an English teacher in college I was reintroduced to the literary world and once again hooked. I just love how much of life is opened up by reading. I love how stories teach us more about the world we live in. I love connecting with a book emotionally and knowing that I'm not alone. I love when someone else is able to articulate something that I could not put words to. I love how a book has the power change people and in doing that, change the world.
A few days ago I was in a study with some women where we were discussing how much we take for granted the fact that most of us were just expected to get a college degree. It was never a question of whether I would go to college, just where I would go. I have the same expectation for my daughter. At the same time, I can't help but think of all the women in our world that don't have those same opportunities. Many haven't had the luxury of even a basic education because of poverty or cultural barriers. I'm sure that so many of these ladies have incredible stories to tell but no means in which to do it.
I want to tell their stories.
Everywhere I look I'm hit with the idea that we are blessed in order to bless others. I want to bless women by giving them the opportunity to be heard.
How the heck do I do this??

I don't know who and I don't know how. All I know is that this little seed has been planted for years, and it keeps cultivating...and sitting....and cultivating and sitting.  Maybe it's time to figure out how to increase my cultivating to sitting ratio.

This Ain't No Neverland

Yesterday as I was putting away groceries, Emma picked up a few rolls of toilet paper, threw a piece of construction paper across them, grabbed a bear-friend and a couple of spoons, and had a big slice of birthday cake, Peter Pan style.  She doesn't have to sit around brainstorming to come up with ideas to create something; she just does it effortlessly and often. It's so strange because I know that her mind comprehends new ideas in concrete terms. She doesn't have much ability to think through concepts abstractly, but she can take concrete images and view them in abstract terms. Weird. I wish I tackled life as creatively as my two-year old.

Rehabilitating an Achilles Heal

I remember in college I had to write a paper that answered the question, "Must good art have form?" I argued that it did. I said that all art had form and boundaries, even if the artist was trying to avoid it. You look at a Jackson Pollock and see paint strewn all over the page, in a seemingly meaningless, chaotic way, but even that makes a statement. Even in it's lack of form it's contained within the boundaries of a canvas.

I'm the type of person that wants to create, but sometimes I feel so stuck in chaos that I'm unable to even attempt it. I need structure (ew, ew, ew). I need organization...in my closet, my desk, my life. I need scheduled times to just sit and play with my kids without feeling guilty that I'm not cleaning my house. I need a time to clean my house. I need times to be quiet and times to be silly. I hate to admit it, but in the times where I'm disciplined and structured I thrive. Even my creativity thrives. I just have such a hard time getting to that place. 

Today's been a game-changer though. Every area that's been stressing me the most grabbed my attention today. And so another season of my on again, off again blogging begins. 

The stress factors...

Sleep

I am completely sleep-deprived. I can't think straight. I can't talk straight. I look at life through an overly emo lens when I'm tired. Not long ago, I told Matt that I feel like there's this epic battle for our souls going on. He just laughed. Ahhh, the crazy ramblings of a sleep-deprived wife (Though deep down he knew exactly what I meant. His take on things probably wouldn't be so dramatic, however. :)). Anywho, we've been going to bed around 12:30, and then I've been getting up a couple times a night to nurse and change Jax's soaking wet jammies. Between taking care of the baby and laying in bed trying to get back to sleep, I can't imagine that I get much more than a few hours. I wake up every morning wanting to cry. I was just saying this in passing to a friend today who suddenly looked at me like I had three heads and said, "Wait, what??" and started telling me how messed up that was and that I totally need to just let him cry it out. I'm pretty sure she literally thought I was nuts. But, sometimes it just takes a sane person to look at you like you're crazy for a second to realize, yup, I am crazy. Tonight Jaxie-baby gets to wear pricey diapers that won't leak all over and attempt to sleep through the night. We can do this baby; yes we can!

Organization

My house is driving me nuts. I pick up everyday, but that's about as far as I get before it's a mess again. Mostly because everything doesn't have a place. This never used to bother me until I lived with my good friend, Kari, who is an organizational goddess. I swear, the girl's amazing. You couldn't have put two more opposite people together to share a room (which we were both quite nervous about) but it ended up being a great experience (for me anyway) where I learned that keeping things tidy actually did have benefits! Who knew? It's still not something that comes naturally to me though, so unless I'm able to really work at it, I suck. Way back when, this wouldn't have mattered, but now it drives me insane. Today at the gym I happened to glance at a magazine that was all about getting organized. It was just what I needed to get me on the right track. I made my trip to Target and have high hopes of tackling it tonight. There's nothing like a good Friday night closet-cleaning to start the weekend. Yes, I'm totally serious.

Excuses

Ok, so I read blogs. Yes, I get made fun of for this, but whatever. Some people like reality t.v., I like reality reading. I know, total dorko. So be it. I was reading a blog today that was talking about how to know whether or not this is truly a season in your life to create or if it's something that needs to be held off on because of other responsibilities. While yes, I do have responsibilities, I think I do use that as an excuse. Especially if I really view art in the sense that I say I do. If life is art than I'm doing a horrible job of cultivating and creating what's around me. Creation is an ongoing process that I feel like I've been stifling. Even in my parenting, I want to be creative. I want my kids to embrace creativity. I just need to stop making excuses and actually live what I speak. 

I know I'm not going to get it all together in a day. I'm okay with that. I know it's not about getting it all together. I know that if I go about life with that attitude I'll fail...over and over and over again. I just want to be in a place where all the clutter is stripped away and I truly can be free. Free to give of myself- my 100% and not feel the weight of all this silly stuff. And I know that that only comes when I'm surrendering myself daily to the ultimate Creator and the only One who can give me freedom...even in chaos. 

Saturday's Friday Four

All of our highlights are going to follow a theme, seeing as though all we had time for this week was moving back into our house and packing for NY. So here goes:

Matt: Having a bunch of guys come help him with all the finishing touches around the house. It was nice to know that there were friends and family that were willing to interrupt their own busy lives to help us. He knows how precious evenings are, so for people to come out and help on multiple nights meant a lot to him. 

MY Matt highlight on a much more shallow level- :) 

He dominated the phone lines to get us the only pendant lights that we agreed on, which might I add, were not even for sale. We've been looking for a matching chandelier and pendants for a while and haven't been able to agree on any. We finally got a chandelier but there weren't any matching pendants. Matt had to contact the corporate office, who sent him on a wild goose chase that eventually lead us to the beautiful pendants that will hang from our ceiling in 5-7 days. Thanks, babe!

Emma: Since I forgot to ask her, I'll have to guess that hers was all the time she got to spend with her wawa as her mommy was M.I.A. working on the house. She loves her wawa time.

Jax: Last week Jaxie found his lip, this week he found his toes. He loves grabbing on and rolling 'round.

Me: After almost eight months out of our house, we finally moved back in this week- obviously my highlight! I just like to sit on the floor in out great room and look around at how pretty it is. I mean, how many people get to live in their first house for a year, figure out everything that they would like to change and make all the changes at no cost. There are some benefits to toxic gases being emitted through your walls! Thanks Chinese drywall. We owe you, except not really. That would almost be akin to Stockholm syndrome. 

Sunday's Friday Four

I'm adding some of my own observations to Matt's today. Since I'm writing it, I can do stuff like that! 

Matt: Spending a lot of time with Emma this week. She was super excited when he came home from work every night, which isn't always the case. There's been times when she's just downright mean to him. Not this week though.

I've noticed how this sneaky thing called family keeps interrupting my husband's life, and he's been powerless to do anything about it. He really wants to get into shape (Though he already is in good shape, might I add.) but doesn't have a lot of time to do it. He works out during lunch so he can spend time with us at night but tries to go for a quick run as soon as he gets home from work. Twice this week his plans were thwarted, and I have to say one of my highlights has been how he's responded to the interruptions- because I'm not sure I would have had the same response. Tuesday night he came home and was about to go running but Emma looked at him and said, "Daddy, pwease don't go wunning. Don't you want to come hang out with me in the basement?" HA! He explained that he's be right back and then they could play. Then he changed his mind. He just couldn't resist his little girl's desire to spend time with him. Emma put on a baseball helmet (yeah I don't know) and they played ping-pong. So sweet. Then he skipped out on another night of running to come to the park with us. Emma loves going to the park with Daddy because she gets to do all the dangerous things that Mommy won't let her do. I almost had several heart attacks watching her climb things that she was way too little for, but Daddy was always there to catch her just in case.

Emma: She's had three parties since last Friday, so my girl's been in heaven playing with all her little peeps. Plus, it's been gorgeous in FL lately so all of said parties have been outside. Extra bonus.

Jax: Jax has found his lower lip and loves sucking on it nonstop. Smiling, laughing, crying- regardless of what he's doing it's the ultimate baby soother/entertainer. 

Kelly: Can we say stainless steel appliances upgraded at no cost??  I never thought I'd be so excited about appliances, but I can't stop talking about the great deal I got on a range in the beginning of the week and an even better deal on a beautiful french door fridge at the end of the week. Now if only I could learn how to cook!