I remember in college I had to write a paper that answered the question, "Must good art have form?" I argued that it did. I said that all art had form and boundaries, even if the artist was trying to avoid it. You look at a Jackson Pollock and see paint strewn all over the page, in a seemingly meaningless, chaotic way, but even that makes a statement. Even in it's lack of form it's contained within the boundaries of a canvas.
I'm the type of person that wants to create, but sometimes I feel so stuck in chaos that I'm unable to even attempt it. I need structure (ew, ew, ew). I need organization...in my closet, my desk, my life. I need scheduled times to just sit and play with my kids without feeling guilty that I'm not cleaning my house. I need a time to clean my house. I need times to be quiet and times to be silly. I hate to admit it, but in the times where I'm disciplined and structured I thrive. Even my creativity thrives. I just have such a hard time getting to that place.
Today's been a game-changer though. Every area that's been stressing me the most grabbed my attention today. And so another season of my on again, off again blogging begins.
The stress factors...
I am completely sleep-deprived. I can't think straight. I can't talk straight. I look at life through an overly emo lens when I'm tired. Not long ago, I told Matt that I feel like there's this epic battle for our souls going on. He just laughed. Ahhh, the crazy ramblings of a sleep-deprived wife (Though deep down he knew exactly what I meant. His take on things probably wouldn't be so dramatic, however. :)). Anywho, we've been going to bed around 12:30, and then I've been getting up a couple times a night to nurse and change Jax's soaking wet jammies. Between taking care of the baby and laying in bed trying to get back to sleep, I can't imagine that I get much more than a few hours. I wake up every morning wanting to cry. I was just saying this in passing to a friend today who suddenly looked at me like I had three heads and said, "Wait, what??" and started telling me how messed up that was and that I totally need to just let him cry it out. I'm pretty sure she literally thought I was nuts. But, sometimes it just takes a sane person to look at you like you're crazy for a second to realize, yup, I am crazy. Tonight Jaxie-baby gets to wear pricey diapers that won't leak all over and attempt to sleep through the night. We can do this baby; yes we can!
My house is driving me nuts. I pick up everyday, but that's about as far as I get before it's a mess again. Mostly because everything doesn't have a place. This never used to bother me until I lived with my good friend, Kari, who is an organizational goddess. I swear, the girl's amazing. You couldn't have put two more opposite people together to share a room (which we were both quite nervous about) but it ended up being a great experience (for me anyway) where I learned that keeping things tidy actually did have benefits! Who knew? It's still not something that comes naturally to me though, so unless I'm able to really work at it, I suck. Way back when, this wouldn't have mattered, but now it drives me insane. Today at the gym I happened to glance at a magazine that was all about getting organized. It was just what I needed to get me on the right track. I made my trip to Target and have high hopes of tackling it tonight. There's nothing like a good Friday night closet-cleaning to start the weekend. Yes, I'm totally serious.
Ok, so I read blogs. Yes, I get made fun of for this, but whatever. Some people like reality t.v., I like reality reading. I know, total dorko. So be it. I was reading a blog today that was talking about how to know whether or not this is truly a season in your life to create or if it's something that needs to be held off on because of other responsibilities. While yes, I do have responsibilities, I think I do use that as an excuse. Especially if I really view art in the sense that I say I do. If life is art than I'm doing a horrible job of cultivating and creating what's around me. Creation is an ongoing process that I feel like I've been stifling. Even in my parenting, I want to be creative. I want my kids to embrace creativity. I just need to stop making excuses and actually live what I speak.
I know I'm not going to get it all together in a day. I'm okay with that. I know it's not about getting it all together. I know that if I go about life with that attitude I'll fail...over and over and over again. I just want to be in a place where all the clutter is stripped away and I truly can be free. Free to give of myself- my 100% and not feel the weight of all this silly stuff. And I know that that only comes when I'm surrendering myself daily to the ultimate Creator and the only One who can give me freedom...even in chaos.