Eight Freaking Years

Wow. I can't believe it's been eight years since I posted on here. 

Eight years. That's a lot of life. My kids are hardly kids anymore. 

I wasn't planning to post now. I just went in search of something I wrote a long time ago and it made me sad to see this large gap that used to be where I processed what was happening in my brain. Something about it made my heart ache.

I suppose there were years in between where my thoughts have shown up on Instagram. But, I’m a pretty private person when it comes to social media these days. It rarely seems healthy to share much of anything- in pictures or in thoughts. I want to be a part of making the world a better place, but I don't think putting our lives out there for other's consumption and validation is going to achieve that. 

But gosh. 

I’m also a writer. It’s how I process life and realize my own views. 

For many, many years I have felt too conservative for progressives and too progressive for conservatives. Which can feel pretty lonely all around. It’s hard to be vulnerable when experience has shown it’s not worth it to speak. Matters of consequence. Why feel relational pain that can be avoided by being quiet? I wish I was a lot more like Brene Brown. I’m not though. Somewhere along the line I decided it’s better to feel nothing- disconnection- is better than feeling shut down. Which, as I’m writing this, makes me realize that’s because both are about disconnection- but one I have control over- the other I don’t. Whoa. 

And this is why I write. This is how I learn. 

In the last year and a quarter I’ve started writing down the name of each book I read. I wish I had written more than just their titles. Interacted with the texts. Been disciplined enough to form my thoughts instead of keeping them tucked in so safe. There's been so many viewpoints. So many stories. So much learning. But also so much opportunity to be more than just a sponge. 

So maybe I'll do that here. Or not. Who knows if I'll even write again beyond this moment.

I also know writing is a way to pass myself onto my kids. Emma hates that I closed down my IG and asks me often to get back on it or at least post on Fb. She loves looking at our pictures and reading about our lives. So it feels like a good compromise to maybe write some on here where there's no people anymore. Maybe even for her and Jax to just find one day. A momma Easter egg. If they ever need to find me someday, my words and thoughts will be waiting for them.