Over the last several months I've shot a few weddings with my friend Hayley (whose blog I would link to if she kept one...hint, hint). Our most recent one was in Naples, and since I'm up to my eyeballs in editing I thought I'd post a few....
The last couple days in Syracuse, Emma begged me to bring her out in the snow again. On our final day we obliged. The girls were so excited to get their snow clothes on, screeching and clapping their hands.
The excitement lasted all of 5 minutes
The girls had a little trouble walking in the crunchy snow.
And fell all over each other in the sled.
We thought it was a good idea to move onto another wintry activity,
Yesterday was a bust, as Emma was suddenly (upon arrival to the outlets after a 45 minute drive...screaming through the Gap outlet) stricken with an ear infection. She cried for a good couple hours, went to the doctor, and cuddled until her meds kicked in and she was back to her crazy self.
So today we headed to Spaghetti Warehouse to see Beauty and the Beast.
After the performance we headed back to the outlets to try shopping again, getting Emma all outfitted for spring.
Then headed to dinner where Matt and I had our reception almost five years ago...
Yesterday we took Emma and Abby to see their first movie in the theater. It was supposed to be an outing with all the kids, but Stacie's ended up not being able to go. Since there was no other time for all of us to go, we decided to venture out with just the two little girls.
The popcorn and soda part was a huge success, the movie part-
not so much.
The Princess and the Frog was playing at the dollar theater, so we figured even if they didn't like the whole theater experience it would only cost a couple bucks. Good choice. The movie probably wasn't the best choice. It held the girls' attention for a grand total of about five minutes. They did like sitting in the theater seats, munching on popcorn, and sipping on a theater-sized, sugary soda though. Can't blame them for that. As it was already loud in the theater, they didn't quite get the idea of volume control either. They kept calling out to each other and yelling loudly whenever one held a snack that the other wanted. Aaaaand walking back and forth in our aisle, hanging on the seats in front of us. Whoops. I'm sure the kids in those seats were very sad to see us go about halfway through the movie. When the snacks stopped flowing both girls said it was time to go bye-bye. No objections from these two mommas or gramma.
Confession: I broke the cardinal rule of facebook yesterday. I can't believe I'm writing about it because I haven't told anyone about it. I don't even want to say it out loud. Not to my girlfriends. Not to my husband. I didn't confess to anyone how I wallowed in my shame with a Big Mac, fries, and a coke last night.
I friend requested someone...and they rejected me. Fine. Here's where it gets bad. I thought about it too much. I analyzed and over-analyzed...and then I sent a message. AHHHHhhh! Who does that!? I KNOW. When it comes to tasks, I'm a procrastinator. When it comes to relationships, I'm impulsive. If I get an idea in my head I can't function until I deal with it. This was so dumb, I know. Hence, I will not speak of it...I will only write of it.
It was an ex-boyfriend's wife (from a loooong time ago) and we had both commented on something, and I thought what she said was funny and well, we used to talk here and there in a past life. Now she's a mom and I'm a mom and I thought...why not?
She evidently didn't feel the same way.
So I asked her why. I KNOW. I was soooo that girl. Who does that??? Who ever does that? I mean, it was a long message too- and I don't even remember what it said. Chances are it didn't even make a whole lot of sense because I was just rambling instead of composing my thoughts. Buuut...I have no desire to go back and read it because that would mean that I actually wrote it. And pressed send. Uuug.
To add to the humiliation, she wrote back this morning saying she was surprised to hear from me, and basically she didn't really give it much thought when she rejected me. She doesn't harbor any ill will towards me, but she just uses fb as a way to keep in touch with family, friends, and people that she was close to in the past. And she thanked me for my openness. It was all very kind...and left me feeling like even more of a moron.
So why did I do it? Why did I ask? I don't know- I've been asking myself that question. I guess there's two schools of thought on facebook. Some people, like this particular girl, see it as a way of keeping in touch with those people that are or were important parts of your life. That's fine. I guess I see it as a way to connect with people that are important parts of my life but also those that could still be an important part of my life. It's funny, some of the people that I keep in touch with the most aren't necessarily those that I was close to in the past but have since found common ground with. I'm really thankful for those relationships that have developed. And, every once in a while it's just neat to see what that random person that I backpacked with in Europe for a couple of days is doing.
As I write I'm actually starting to realize that as ridiculous as it may be, I'm glad that I wrote her. I'm a girl, and I know how my mind works. I know in the future when I would see her name appear on the same comment as me or if I ever saw her post on the wall of a mutual friend I would probably think bad thoughts towards her...because I thought she was thinking badly of me. Dumb. I know, but come on, it's how girls work. Now it doesn't have to be like that. Now it doesn't have to ever cross my mind again. Now I don't have to be a catty girl. It's kinda freeing...you know, once I get passed the feeling like a fool part. I've made a fool of myself plenty of times before and I'm sure I will again. I'd much rather feel like a fool than be a snakey girl though.
I love watching Emma figure out the world around her. This morning, I watched as she sat on the floor for a good 15-20 minutes with a pen, highlighter, lip gloss, and cell phone (yes, all very dangerous in the hands of a 22-month old) trying to figure each one out and if they somehow worked together. She'd play with each individual object, and then put the pen on top of the highlighter, or close the phone on the pen, or try any various combination, stopping only to turn and say, "Wook, wook Mommy," when she came up with what she deemed an interesting combo. I couldn't help but stop and watch her for awhile as she worked so hard to make sense of her little world. There's so much that she has to learn, but she's come so far in her 22 months of life.
I wonder if God ever looks at us like that. If he sits back and watches us try all these different ways to make sense of our world, and patiently thinks, "You just don't get it. You know so little...but you've come a long way... someday you'll see things as they really are." There are days when I think I have everything figured out and other times I realize just how clueless I am. How far I have to go. But, there's always progress. I'm always being shaped by the world around me, and I can always look back and see the hand of a loving God guiding me and working around me, even if I fail to notice.
I'm confident in my daughter's abilities to figure things out, and I'll guide her along the way. I'll enjoy watching her work hard in her toddler way, delight in her progress, and be patient when she throws a hissy fit when she can't get the cap to the lip gloss back on herself. She's come a long way...
Several of the smoke alarms in my house are blinking. Some just blink green, others flash from green to red, and one or two blare loud sirens intermittently. The problem is the alarms don't wail continuously; they go off at random times when I least expect it, like in the middle of the night or during Emma's nap. Times when I can't go to the store to buy more batteries (which I actually have done...but lost). If the dang things would just blare all the time I swear I would change the batteries. Who in their right mind wouldn't deal with an incessant beep?? But, it's not like that. My smoke alarms tease the procrastinator in me and make me think that there's no reason to deal with them now because if there was really a problem, if they really wouldn't go off if there was really smoke, the beeping would never stop.
That's my life.
I have this monthly (or weekly, sometimes daily) crisis that isn't really a crisis, but this feeling like there's something I need to be doing that I'm not. It's the feeling of knowing that I was created with purpose and for purpose but I'm not fulfilling it, but I have no idea what it is. I know that I'm not alone in this. I know it plagues lots of people, mostly my age, who just don't know what they're supposed to be doing. Is there a supposed-to-do? Are we all asking the wrong questions? I mean, I followed the middle-class American pattern that I was supposed to follow. I got a college education, started my career, realized it may not be what I wanted to do with the rest of my life, pursued a Master's degree in it anyway, got married, started a family, left my job to raise my family, and am now hanging out in the what-the-heck-now. The really strange thing is, my what-the-heck-now is not a bad place to be. I actually love it.
I mean, I truly love it.
I love being a full-time mommy. If you would have asked me ten years ago what I wanted my life to look like in ten years it would look quite similar to where I'm at now. I wanted to journey through life with a partner whom I loved and pass that love onto little ones that are expressions of that love, while making a difference in the world around us, finding our place in the Big Picture. It's the last part that I struggle with. How are we making a difference? Really, what does that even mean?
Maybe I just need to get all these little things in my life in line, so I'll be ready for the big things. Maybe I just need to jump into the little things. Again, maybe I'm just asking all the wrong questions. I just need to know that what I'm doing in life has purpose. I know there are mundane parts of life and there are big scenes in life. I just want to see the purpose of every step. Maybe that's why I feel so out of whack when I don't blog. It's like there's all these life events, not even necessarily important in and of themselves, but when they all come together they show a progression. There's direction. There's thought and reflection. Giving the chaos of everyday a framework. I love the whole idea of making beauty from chaos, giving things that have no order, order and purpose. Maybe I just need to focus on a few things at a time. Maybe I just need to start with changing my batteries.