I've always been a pretty easygoing, carefree person.
for a period of time around the end of college.
Those first years out of school were a tumultuous time for me as I tried to sort through a lot of different issues in relationships, my faith in God (or sometimes lack there of), and figuring out what my identity really was found in. There were times when I literally felt like I was going crazy, but looking back, the words "But... God" stick with me. "But because of his great love for us, God who is rich in mercy, made us alive in Christ..." Thankfully the Lord didn't leave me where I was but lead me to see Him. It's funny- a lot of the same things that I learned in those years I've been reminded of over the last several months...minus the feelings of craziness this time around, thank goodness. Anyways- I found something I wrote while I was coming through it that I thought I'd share...
Don't lecture me. Talk to me.
Your formulas confuse me. If so much can be simplified, than what's it saying about me if I never get it right?
Don't put me in a box, or I'll get out. One way or another. Even if it's kicking or screaming, I can't stay there. It's too dark. And lonely. It makes me want to scream.
I don't want you to be perfect. I don't want to hear about how you are. I could never unload on you because I don't think you could handle it.
It's okay though.
There was a time when I couldn't either. I didn't realize it. I was caught up in my own perfection and goodness. I didn't know. I just didn't know.
There's unbelievable safety here though. In breaking free. It's not as you think it would be. There are no ten steps or bullet points.
I wish you could know it. It's messy sometimes. And it hurts like hell. But there's peace. And gentleness. And forgiveness.
You don't even realize how much you don't deserve it. Forgiveness. Being a child of God. I know you think you deserve it, at least more than others do. You'd never say it outloud of course. You may even be blind to your own thinking.
I know because I've been there.
(But God...rich in mercy)
I've been shown love when words could be considered appropriate by those observing from afar. I've been shown grace, with a closed mouth and open arms. I've been shown mercy.
And that's just from mere humans that understand in a way better than I, the supernatural workings of a God that cares.
And if that isn't enough (it gets better!), there's Jesus. I'm shown a cross. By the only One who can truly claim perfection, who bore all the weight of the ugliness of all Time.
GOD in flesh. ROCKING people's worlds.