Several of the smoke alarms in my house are blinking. Some just blink green, others flash from green to red, and one or two blare loud sirens intermittently. The problem is the alarms don't wail continuously; they go off at random times when I least expect it, like in the middle of the night or during Emma's nap. Times when I can't go to the store to buy more batteries (which I actually have done...but lost). If the dang things would just blare all the time I swear I would change the batteries. Who in their right mind wouldn't deal with an incessant beep?? But, it's not like that. My smoke alarms tease the procrastinator in me and make me think that there's no reason to deal with them now because if there was really a problem, if they really wouldn't go off if there was really smoke, the beeping would never stop.
That's my life.
I have this monthly (or weekly, sometimes daily) crisis that isn't really a crisis, but this feeling like there's something I need to be doing that I'm not. It's the feeling of knowing that I was created with purpose and for purpose but I'm not fulfilling it, but I have no idea what it is. I know that I'm not alone in this. I know it plagues lots of people, mostly my age, who just don't know what they're supposed to be doing. Is there a supposed-to-do? Are we all asking the wrong questions? I mean, I followed the middle-class American pattern that I was supposed to follow. I got a college education, started my career, realized it may not be what I wanted to do with the rest of my life, pursued a Master's degree in it anyway, got married, started a family, left my job to raise my family, and am now hanging out in the what-the-heck-now. The really strange thing is, my what-the-heck-now is not a bad place to be. I actually love it.
I mean, I truly love it.
I love being a full-time mommy. If you would have asked me ten years ago what I wanted my life to look like in ten years it would look quite similar to where I'm at now. I wanted to journey through life with a partner whom I loved and pass that love onto little ones that are expressions of that love, while making a difference in the world around us, finding our place in the Big Picture. It's the last part that I struggle with. How are we making a difference? Really, what does that even mean?
Maybe I just need to get all these little things in my life in line, so I'll be ready for the big things. Maybe I just need to jump into the little things. Again, maybe I'm just asking all the wrong questions. I just need to know that what I'm doing in life has purpose. I know there are mundane parts of life and there are big scenes in life. I just want to see the purpose of every step. Maybe that's why I feel so out of whack when I don't blog. It's like there's all these life events, not even necessarily important in and of themselves, but when they all come together they show a progression. There's direction. There's thought and reflection. Giving the chaos of everyday a framework. I love the whole idea of making beauty from chaos, giving things that have no order, order and purpose. Maybe I just need to focus on a few things at a time. Maybe I just need to start with changing my batteries.